


Those  Four Words

by suitesamba



Series: Four Words [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Male Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-14
Updated: 2012-03-14
Packaged: 2017-11-01 22:36:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/362034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suitesamba/pseuds/suitesamba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry and Severus go shopping in Muggle London and come away with an unexpected haul.</p>
<p><b>A/N:</b>  Series inspired by  the Facebook post question:  <i>"We wake up in (jail) together.  What's the first thing you say to me—use exactly four words"</i> </p>
<p><b>Disclaimer:</b> Not mine.  Never were.  Never will be.  No profit is being made from this amateur work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those  Four Words

“This is not happening.”

“Oh no, this is happening. This is _definitely_ happening,” said Harry, taking several steps away from Severus and trying to melt back into the crowd gathering around them. 

Severus, dressed in form-fitting black trousers and a thin black jumper, hair tied back from his face with a black elastic band, glared at the jovial store manager approaching him with arms outstretched. The balloons and confetti had finally stopped, leaving his dark hair dotted with little paper circles and colorful crimped streamers. 

“Congratulations Customer Number One Million!” boomed the manager. His waxed mustache was curled into intriguing spirals at the ends, and he was wearing a blue and green checked bowtie. 

Severus turned back to the cashier. 

“My bags. Now.” 

“But sir, I haven’t finished ringing up your….” 

The girl glanced down at the register belt. Three different kinds of condoms, including Big Boys. Lube. Feminine hygiene products. Latex gloves. A tube of hemorrhoid cream with a picture on the box of the handy insertion tube. Athlete’s foot anti-fungal cream. Adult diapers. Personal wipes. Suppositories. Wart removal medication. Laxatives. Anti-diarrheal remedy. Nose hair trimmer. Jock itch spray. Four different pregnancy tests. A lice treatment kit. A manual breast pump. Estrogen cream. The girl looked back up at him, red-faced. 

“…purchases.” She looked like she wanted either to crawl in a hole and die, or explode in laughter. It was not a good look on her.

A flash went off and Severus looked up, startled. 

“Congratulations Mr….?”

“Dursley,” said Severus snappishly, but only after a long pause when the store, and the twenty people who had gathered around them, became very quiet. 

“Mr. Dursley!” boomed the manager. “Mr. Dursley, you are the One Millionth Customer to ring out at Foibles Pharmaceuticals!” He reached out a rather meaty hand and Severus took it in his own reluctantly, darting his eyes around as he looked for Harry in the crowd. 

“I hope you have a large order today, Mr. Dursley, because Foibles Pharmaceuticals is giving you your entire order free!” 

Applause erupted from the crowd around them, and quite a few heads craned to get a look at the items Severus and Harry had deposited on the check-out counter minutes before. 

“And furthermore,” continued the manager. “You are entitled to each of these items at no cost each and every month for an entire year! Simply bring in today’s official cash register receipt and walk away with these same items without even touching your wallet! ” 

Several people in the crowd laughed. A little boy pointed at the counter and loudly asked, “Mum, what does ‘Extra-lubricated for easier insertion’ mean?” 

More laughter. People began holding up their mobiles and taking photographs of the check-out counter. 

Snape had finally located Harry. He glared at him maliciously and turned to the manager. 

“My _ward_ was shopping with me. He has a number of…medical issues. I believe he’s having trouble making it through the crowd. Could you make an announcement and call Mr. Draco Malfoy?” 

The manager’s eyes swept over the check-out counter quickly. His eyes bulged and his cheeks reddened. 

“Of course, of course,” he muttered. “But no need for an announcement.” He turned toward the back of the store. “Will Mr. Draco Malfoy please come to the front of the store?” he bellowed. 

“There is he now!” exclaimed Severus, pointing at Harry as he ducked behind a display of cold and flu remedies . The display featured a giant plastic nose, flesh colored on one side, see-through on the other nostril to expose the swollen tissues within. 

Harry, caught, waved sheepishly, and the crowd parted to let him pass through to join Severus. 

The manager held out his hand and shook Harry’s as well. 

“Well then,” he said. “Let’s get a photograph for the _Advertiser_!”

The photographer appeared, along with a woman wearing a skin-tight Foible’s Pharmaceuticals apron. Severus knew she had never worked at a retail outlet. Ever. She was wearing black stiletto heels, for one, and had long, manicured fingernails and waves of blonde hair cascading down her back. 

As they posed together, the woman pressed her breasts pressed into Harry’s side. Severus seethed, the expression on his face similar to the look one might have when trying to pass a kidney stone.

After the posed photographs, the manager whipped out a notebook and began taking down their personal contact information—Harry reported they were living at #4 Privet Drive, Surrey—while the check-out girl finished ringing up the order. Harry and Severus each picked up two of the sacks. The store manager’s eyes drifted downward to the bags—the clear plastic bags—and he blanched. The photographer, who reminded Harry of Stan Shunpike from the Knight Bus, took several more shots before Harry thought to put the bags behind his back. 

“Very good, very good!” the manager said, trying to sound cheerful and excited instead of mortified and disgusted. He shot another glance at the bag in Severus’ left hand, one with both the scented lube and the hemorrhoid cream. “Gentlemen, thank you!” He shook their hands again, but quickly, and surreptitiously wiped his fingers on his apron afterward as he escorted them to the street.

“Well, that was awkward,” said Harry as he and Severus hurried away. 

“’Come with me to Muggle London’,” mimicked Severus. “’It will be fun. We’ll buy Poppy’s Muggle Health Education supplies then pop into a pub for a pint’.” 

“How could I have known?” protested Harry. 

“If you think for one minute I’m going into a pub carrying THIS….” Severus held up one of the bags and glared at Harry. 

Harry darted into an alley and Severus followed him. Harry’s wand was out and the bags were shrunk before Severus could say “ribbed for her pleasure.” 

Severus continued to glare. 

“Poppy gave me quite a bit of Muggle currency for these things,” said Harry as he tucked the miniature bags into his pocket. He looked at Severus hopefully. “We can have more than one pint in a pub—we can have a good dinner with our beer. She’ll never know we didn’t have to pay for these things.” 

“How very Slytherin of you,” said Severus, although he still looked completely disgusted.

And Harry, temporarily forgiven, took Severus’ arm as they rejoined the busy London foot traffic. 

/

“Is this supposed to feel _good_?” asked Harry. He was spread out on Severus’ bed, naked, hands and feet expertly tied to the headboard and footboard. 

“You agreed to experiment with me,” said Severus. 

“Once!” said Harry. “This is the third month in a row you’ve gone back to that store!” 

“Quiet!” said Severus. He gave the breast pump another squeeze. 

“It isn’t working,” said Harry. “I don’t have breasts.” 

Severus picked up a narrow cardboard box. “Hmm. We may be able to remedy that.” 

“No! Not the estrogen cream!” said Harry. He strained at his bindings and glared at Severus. 

“I find it intriguing,” said Severus. He reached over to the side table and picked up a pair of latex gloves, blew into one then pulled it on his hand, snapping it at the wrist. He repeated the action with its mate then opened the tube and squeezed a dollop on his hand and grasped Harry’s cock with both hands. Harry arched up into them and moaned. 

“I’m not sure you should use estrogen cream on my…my…yeah…that’s it…my—my cock,” he managed to breathe out. “Oh?” said Severus. He arched an eyebrow. “You think not?” “Might…might shrink…shrink…oh…that’s good….” “Might shrink your brain? That brain that didn’t consider that the _Surrey Advertiser_ might pick up our photograph and run it on the front page? Or that the Muggle Studies Professor’s family lives in Surrey and might send her the photograph? Or that _The Prophet_ might get hold of it? That we might have to call a bloody all-school meeting to explain our shopping expedition to the _students_?”

With each statement, with each accusation, Severus ran his hand up and down Harry’s slippery cock, squeezing the head to emphasize each point, twisting it deliciously, adding a second hand to fondle the bollocks, run a finger lightly back, tantalizingly close to his entrance. 

And all the while he spoke in that low, menacing and entirely sexy voice. “Need I mention that a certain Mr. Draco Malfoy didn’t appreciate being associated with a bag full of Muggle pharmaceuticals?” “Your…your fault…ahh….yeah…” Harry tried to form coherent thoughts. His brain was mushy. His cock was currently doing all the thinking his body could muster. “Funny…funny that he…oh god…oh fuck…denies…yes…” He gave it up and sunk into the exquisite feeling of Severus’ smooth hand on him, of the perfect pressure, the slide and twist. “Indeed. After that fiasco the little ferret came right out to deny that he has or has ever had athlete’s foot. ‘Malfoys do not get funguses.’” Harry snorted and moaned then came with a shout—and a laugh—gasping for breath as he spasmed through the orgasm. His breathing was still ragged as he recalled the repercussions of that first visit to the store. The stern Headmaster explaining to the students that they had volunteered to go to London for Madam Pomfrey’s Muggle Studies Health Education supplies and it had all gone horribly wrong. He lay there, panting and spent, biting his lip against the laughter that welled up as he remembered the students’ questions. _Why didn’t you just use transfiguration? Couldn’t you have ordered those items by owl post? Wouldn’t it have been less embarrassing if only one of you had gone? What’s a suppository anyway?_

“Draco Malfoy is a prat,” he said as Severus quickly untied him and turned him over on his stomach, arranging his boneless body with arse exposed and legs tucked under him. “Thank Merlin he didn’t know what most of those items in the bag were and focused on the anti-fungal cream. Next he’ll be denying that he has hemorrhoids.” 

“Or that he’s pregnant,” added Severus with a chuckle. He blew on Harry, and Harry moaned and thrust back toward him. When the first finger worked in and began to stretch him, all thoughts of Draco Malfoy disappeared. By the time Severus had four fingers in him, working them in and out as he threatened to take him like this on the grand staircase of Malfoy Manor, Harry was a liquid pool of need that would have let Severus take him on the faculty table in the Great Hall with Rita Skeeter taking notes and the Minister of Magic taking photographs. 

Later, as they lay together on the bed after rather magnificent orgasms and some intriguing mental images, Severus ran his hand over Harry’s fine arse and kissed the side of his neck. 

“Your hands are so soft,” said Harry with a sigh. “Like a girl’s…”

“Too much estrogen cream,” muttered Severus. “That’s why I use gloves now.”

Then, sated and exhausted, he grunted and fell asleep, leaving Harry, head resting on his chest, staring at his prominent nose and up the rather hairy nostrils. With an evil smile, Harry reached carefully over to the bedside table to find the battery-operated nose hair trimmers. 

_Fin_


End file.
